Saturday, April 30, 2005
Well, it's almost unanimous that I shouldn't blog abt anything regarding you anymore. But perhaps I'll make this my last and final entry. After which, you can stop visiting my blog since you never really liked reading it's content to begin with. You may not like whatever that's being voiced out on my blog, but I'm entitled to my own perceptions regarding issues that matter to me, no? So what say you? Yea well, my blog always seem to give rise to misunderstandings and conflicts between the both of us. Perhaps because you never really got acquainted with the mechanism inside my head, you never really knew how my eyes viewed the world, nor did you manage to get to know my personality.
Honestly, you're the only person that discerns my entries in that way, even though the intention of making it sound as such was never there to begin with. Simply because I never thought the episode between us to be what you thought I was driving at. I even made the effort in asking others if my entries had that notation, but everyone just derided the farcicality of it all. Interesting enough, even those who never knew what happened didn't perceive things the way you did. It just goes to show that you really don't understand or know me at all, really. Everything you thought you knew about me was just a mere assumption on ur part. You even failed to see the bona fide quintessence of my entries about you. Somehow, it hurts to know how little you know about me. Then again, perhaps I never really knew you to start with either. But not like it matters to you anyway.
It may be simply too easy for you to start everything afresh again, because you never really had wounds to heal in the first place. So don't hold me culpable that things were awkward between the both of us. It's not as if I wanted us to turn out this way either. In fact, I never knew it would have. Also, I never wanted or needed any explanation from you. Never at all. I apologise if anything I did made you think as such. Because I never really wanted anything from you anymore, frankly speaking. Everything you 'gave' me is enough to disintegrate me slowly. Now I'm just trying to pull myself back together. But your words always seem to crash me down. Sometimes I wish you'll try understanding things from my point of view. feel what it's like in my shoes. It hurts me, do you know how much? You're clueless.
And you know what? Just so you know.
The underlying message in my latest entries to you
despite everything else you see superficially
is that I miss you, very much.
But I guess I can just forget about everything now.
1:34 AM
Belle's Miss List.I miss Sem
I miss Dawn
I miss Andrea
I miss Emily
I miss Cart
I miss Joyce
I miss Karina
I miss Arabella
I miss Jialing
I miss Yanyu
I miss Chow
I miss Merser
I miss Xinying
I miss Priya
I miss Sasa
I miss Raudhah
I miss Flo
I miss her
I miss you
I miss God (so much)
1:13 AM
Happy 17th Birthdays to Natalyn and Larine! (:
Just came back not long ago. Watched Divergence. The sadistic show where everybody, including the hunkafellas (Aaron Kwok/Daniel Wu) that I paid 8.50 to watch, dies. I was stoning throughout the movie, really. It's just.... queer. Not exactly my kinda movie. Nah uh. And I really REALLY wanna watch Coach Carter. Anyone wants a movie date? Haha. Ohwell.
Well, the day went by pretty quickly. Fact being that I only attended school for 3 hours today. Spent my break analyzing the answers to the econs test, writing out the answers to the econs test during Lit Lect, and having the test itself. :\ So, Chang and I met Wanyi in town at about 5plus to shop. She had her shopping done, but I did none. I tried okayy.. but shopping for karina is just too difficult. Like wanyi said..
"whatever she wants, she can afford. whatever she can't afford, you can't afford it either."The wisest statement Wanyi has made this year. Wahahaha. :P Well, we didnt do much in town again, but I did had fun somehow. Mother hen (Rach) and Father Rooster (Matt) came to meet us for dinner. Mother hen forbidded father rooster to smoke. Poor fella. Haha. :b Iylia joined us for the movie after work too. And.... that's about it.
Gonna be heading down to Sentosa tmr for ex-1T03 class outing, and Nat's birthday celebration would be held there too. Mich wanted me to head down to Delta to watch the Hockey match.. but it'd be so weird although I kinda really do wanna go. Sorry Mich! :\ Hope tomorrow will be a fine start to the weekend. (:
12:57 AM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
To the one person who made life in CJ such an awesome experience
To that one person who made me stay in CJ but she left
To that one person who constantly brings a smile to my face especially when I look as if I'm gonna asphyxiate from depression
To that one person who's happy whenever I'm down, and who's sad whenever I'm hyper
To that one person who tolerates my nonsense and rants
To that one person I miss very very much in and outta school everyday
To that one person I honestly do love despite knowing her for only 4mths
Happy 17th birthday, Karina. :)
11:03 PM
You have been my lifeI sacrificed every bit of me, just for you
Anything at all, you ask and I would give
Because you were everything I needed then
And I never planned growing old without youI could have loved you so much
It shouldn't have been this ephemeral
My love was ready to last perpetually
Don't let go of us tonightYou still released your grip upon my hand
despite how much I held onto it
Your hand found his
Haven't I always loved you?And when I need youYou're almost hereAnd I know that's not enoughAnd when I'm with youI'm close to tearsCause you're only almost hereI cried tears that flamed my cheeks
but you never knew how much you've hurt me
Cause your heart's too far to notice.
Bruised and battered by your wordsYou never really took into consideration how I'd feel
Everything was said so that you'd feel better
Where's my form of consolation then?
You never did bother, did you?
Dazed and shattered now it hurtsAs much as I tried to push you out of my mind
Memories are back to haunt me
Harking me back to the peak of our love
Then crashing me down into the abyss of despair
Making me wonder where did I go wrong,
why did you have to leave?
Haven't I always loved you?
6:20 PM
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I just got home from Sem's. Am awfully exhausted. So, I've watched The OC Season 2 Episode 20 already. Trey's sooo hot. love him (: And I missed nana's cooking. I quite like filipino food. heh. Speaking of which, I've an ultra strong craving for Oreos. It started working up a few days ago, and I'm DYING. Any kind soul out there wishes to be my Oreo Supplier? I'll love you for the rest of my damned life. (:
Well, this week didn't start off very well for me. Now that realisation of all the distractions that I've been trying to occupy myself with are merely ephemeral, and they ain't exactly working to my benefit nor favour. I know how I've portrayed myself to be for the past week or so. I thought pretence worked for me, but I guess not anymore. The distractions that I found were just bullshit. What happened to me? I'm clueless. I'm just trying too hard to be happy, and I guess that will never work out eventually.
I've just been sucked into a whirling pool of desolation.
11:34 PM
As much as I do not wish to, I can't.
Everytime I see ___, abhorrence surges through me unrelentingly.
Culpability ain't ___ to hold.
But it just happens. I can't control it.
And I honestly do not comprehend the idea of "salvaging" this friendship.
Because nothing's changed much, really.
Other than we acknowledge each other's presence,
Communication zilch.
So is that what you want?
Frankly, I don't see the point.
Or is this 'friendship' just a form of consolation to you?
Because at least now you know that I ain't pissed at ya anymore.
Seriously,
we're almost nothing like friends,
but just strangers.
11:12 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I'm watching tv with my new bunny.
That little white furball is on my shoulders.
And bunny hiccups are
DAMN KEWT!
Hahahahaha.
:) :) :)
9:13 PM
On my birthday last year, I noticed someone who was sitting opposite me on the bus, on my way back home from school. Strange as you may find it, but that was the best thing that happened that day, even though it was extremely trivial to the extent till you can even consider it as nothing much at all. Yea, my birthdays are always one of the worst days of each and every year. Amazing? I abhor it. :\ Anyway, that's beside the point. I see that someone almost every morning at the bus-stop, but I never really could decipher whether it was the same person I saw back then. But today on my way back home with Sam, that someone sat in front of me, and I realised they were the same person afterall. By the way, you all do know I am a little insane yes? And so.. the story continues, but I won't say further. :)
And I just realised that many people do read my blog whom I'm not aware of. Sam's one of which. Moron. Hahaha. Anyway, do leave a tag okay!! Thanks! :)
5:37 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Uploaded pictures!!Wahaha, feels good typing that for the first time.
hehehe. (:
It's a dedication to Sem anyway.
I love you, dear. (:
11:07 PM
HIGHLY IMPORTANTUrgent!!I'm in desperate need of good songs to listen to.
Recommendations, anyone?! :)
9:14 PM
OH MY GAWD.
I found my aphrodisiac. :) :) :)
8:03 PM
I honestly wonder what you think of me,
and who am I exactly to you.
Hmmm.
With absolute irrelevance,
I've got a new eyecandy in school!
I've a predilection for girls with short hair.
(: (: (:
6:19 PM
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Just came back from Esplanade. The Sound Of Music was simply magnificent, really. It honestly struck a chord in me as I watched every familiar scene that was carried out so impeccably rose into play. I felt as if I was twirled back into my sunrise years. I felt so much happier then. Best of all, I was with the best company I could ever have. Thanks my dear. I love you. (:
Harbored no ill intentions have I
To enjoy, to care, to concern over thee.
Take your unappreciation with you
As we part in our different edging lives
as so you may want it to be.
If you think life radiates perfection
without my presence near,
Tell me straight and say goodbye
For so shall I with these indications clear,
I'll curtly take my leave.
11:47 PM
When I'm with herI'm confusedOut of focusAnd bemusedAnd I never know exactly where I am
11:42 AM
She'll never know of and be amazed at my knowledge of
her.
Especially because to
her, insignificant is what I am.
She's not who
she portrays herself to be.
She's more than that. :)
Because to me, being interested is never about superficiality.
3:28 AM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Unbelievable.
I fractured my collarbone from the fall yesterday.
No wonder it hurts no matter what I do.
So, it's a week of absence from PE
and I can't bluidy take my napfa test. wtfh.
Anyway, an old lady tried to strike a conversation with me at the clinic earlier. But I was too engrossed in my game. :\ Sorry. First she asked why I'm so black, and told me to be filial to my mother who was standing right in front of me. Bla bla bla. And THEN, she probed if I was a "Xiao Di" or a "Xiao Mei". wtfh. In front of my mom. Great. Do I not look like a girl? Then she went on saying that our generation of girls are inclined to dressing up as boys, but no worries, we'll be pretty angels in dresses when we grow older. Hahahaha. Oh, and she thinks I'm really young. Like say... 12? No surprise huh. hurhur.
Okay, pray that this weekend would be a blast.
Although I've so many tests to study for yet so little time.
Remind me to dye my hair black too.
Ohtheshittywell.
1:52 PM
Bold the things that apply to you.
i have a cell phone.i have friends that use me.i am an only child.
i am a shopoholic.
i love dangly earrings.
i love cold weather.i'm obsessed with the computer.
i have shot a gun before.
i can't live without music.i have no tolerance of ignorant people.
i have ridden on a motorcycle before.
i'll be in this town forever.
i've been to 5 other countries.i get annoyed easily.
i eventually want kids.i have neat handwriting.
i have more than a few horrible memories.i am addicted to chocolate.i am an atheist.
my parents are strict.
i love airplane rides.i love taking pictures.i hate people who are fake.i can be mean when i want to.my parents care about my grades.one of my best friends is a girl.i have way too many purses.
i'm obsessed with lip gloss.
i am easy to talk to.i would never eat raw fish.
i cry easily.i hate when people are late.
i procrastinate.i
love winter.
i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
i love to sleep.i wish i were smarter.i'm afraid of flying.
i hate drama.
i bite my nails.i have been on an 8 hour drive.i never fight with my parents.
i love the beach.i have never had the chicken pox.
i have gone out in public in my pajamas.
i can't control my emotions.
i have a best friend.i have moved more than once.
i truly love my friends.i have braces. (removing them soon!)
i have never broken a bone. (I just broke my collarbone. drats.)
i hate my computer.
i love guys that play the drums.i state the obvious.
i'm a happy person.
i love to dance.i love to sing.i love cleaning my room.
i tend to get jealous easily. (fucking insecure)
i love cute underwear.
i love night better than day.
i don't like to study for tests.i have been on the phone for over 5 hours.i am too forgiving.
i have horrible sense in direction.
i miss elementary school.i'm a daddy's girl.
i love kisses on my forehead.i love the color pink.
i love to sew.
my eye color changes.
i should see a therapist.
i played on a sports team.i become stressed easily.
i hate liars.i like comfy sweatpants.
i can play the piano.i love the smell of rain.
i love my family.i hate needles.i am a perfectionist.
i always wanted to learn to play the drums.i hate the feeling of failure.i have friends in other countries.i know how to cook.i can be quite selfish.at times, i still act like a little kid.i have food allergies.
i love to read.i wish i were more motivated for school.i love getting stuff in the mail.i have problems with letting go of old feelings.i hate being alone.
i love summer.i love the weekends.i love black eyeliner.
i type with one hand.
i live in a one storey house.
i wear make-up.
i have never rode on an underground subway.
i can't swim.
i have bad memories.i go to church.
i sing in the shower.
i have never been camping.
i hate cheerleaders. (my ex-es were all cheerleaders. :\)
i usually get what i want.
i have been on stage before. (And I fell while wearing platforms)
i love roller coasters.no one knows the full story of my life.i am close with my parents.
i don't have a curfew.
3:12 AM
People may change, for nothing ever remains static. But I believe that the essence of who they were would still remain in them. It adds up to the wholeness of their current being. Afterall, it's the past that makes up who we are.
1:43 AM
Is one to be held entirely culpable for not being aware of the events taking place in a friend's life? Sem, would you blame me if we've drifted and thus not knowing the predicament you're in? Cause just like anyone, albeit some rationales might oppose it, I think I'd hold myself culpable for it too.
Many times, I've watched scenarios of my friends sinking into predicaments, gasping for air, asphyxiating. And all I could do is to stand at a corner, watch, and give them my support. Watch them struggle in their life's journey as my ability fails me to do anything else. What else can one's ability allow them to do when it's the case of resolving an issue that is not your own? Besides being there for them, is there nothing else? Or perhaps it's just an independent learning process, where no one else could help you, but yourself. Friends are just there to aid you. But ultimately, it's you who picks up yourself. Sadly, but perhaps that's true.
I've always believed that there's a solution to every form of predicament that one would be entrapped in, and that there's a cure to almost every form of illness. Time's just a factor and determination and patience is the other. Sometimes, just like love I would say, solutions unearth itself when we least expected them to, and when we don't search for it. But just like there's a reason for everything, perhaps problems exist for reasons that we never really bothered to comprehend nor embrace. We're too sucked into the severity of the issue, we're completely oblivious to the obvious of what's happening around us. Predicaments help bond people together, makes people realise how much they cared for one another, how much the other party means to them. So it's good to have problems every once in a while, no? The lessons behind every issue solved is another plus point for us too.
Take a step back, out from that rigid box that restricts your view.
Divert your stance, look at the situation from another angle.
Watch the scenario as if you weren't involved.
And perhaps, you'll see where your solution lies.
It's always there, somewhere, within your reach.For God doesn't create problems whereby He knows you wouldn't be able to handle. He loves you too much for that. Amen. (:
1:06 AM
Friday, April 22, 2005
Highly annoyed and peeved.Today is just horrid for me. And let's just hope it doesn't get any worse. Come near me, and I'll kill. No joke.
Cycled down to AJC after I reached home to watch the tennis match. 2 hours under the sun. Why? Because I had nothing better to do, and because Sem stood me up. And cycling too fast cost me a lot of bruises and aches. Yeah, I fell at a turn. Knocked my cheek and neck's bruised, scraped and bruised my legs, thighs, and palms. Unfortunately, I'm still breathing to feel the agony. CJ won by the way. Congrats to all the Tennis Girls. (:
And so, I'm staying home on a friday night for the first time in dont know how many weeks. Thanks to Cheryl. As much as I understand her reasons, I just wanna rant out all the angst within me. I'm so pissed now I could kill a cow. (that rhymes) To think I was looking forward to catching up with you tonight. I hate plans being thwarted, I hate last minute changes. I should have expected it. You know what, fuck it. Desolation and despondency is out to haunt and engulf me once again. I'm just praying for good tv programmes tonight. And I'm desperate. So i'll find Rocky for company. :
And I have to report to jeksuan's office on Monday. He claims my hair is too brown, attire is too sloppy, and my skirt is too short. wtfh. At least he said nuts about my bag. If he did, I'd just slap his balding patch, although it turns me on a hell lot. HURHUR.
k dinner time.
Praying that brother would not irritate me, grandma would not nag at me, everyone else to shut up. Then I'll be peaceful.
6:16 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
I'm a boring person.
Go away. :\
10:14 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Jolene asked if I was happier today.
Honestly, I didn't know how to reply her. I'm not even certain if I'm even happy to begin with, despite all that gibberish spouting, crazy laughter, and all my huge smiles. Were those even real or are those just the doings of my facade? I don't know anymore. Jolene's question really struck me. Everything happened so fast. I've even resorted to committing actions which I'd rather not be doing, experiencing an emotion I'd rather not be feeling.
It's really queer how things started and ended off so quickly on such an abrupt note. So abrupt that sometimes it doesn't even feel that anything has happened between the both of us. Now you've moved on, and well... I'm just somewhere. What happened to all the daily phonecalls and smses we used to receive from each other? Honestly, I miss it. We walk around school now as if we never knew each other existed. Walking past each other without any acknowledgement, as if I'm just another student and so are you. Ultimately, it's as if nothing ever happened between the both of us. That everything that happened was just a dream. A dream that I'll never forget.
Albeit we don't talk anymore, I still wonder how you are, if he's treating you well and making you smile, if things between the both of you are going on good, if you're studying hard, if you still quarrel with your dad, if you're falling ill again, if you're stuffing urself with snacks every once in awhile, if you still reach home at 1230am everyday and probably drift off to sleep when it's nearly 1, if you still use the word 'poop' just as often, if you still keep the msges I've sent you or has it been replaced by his, if you're still keeping everything I gave you, if you still browse through them evert once in a while, and.. if you still think of me.
Because I know I still do, and I guess I do still love you.
Although all that's between us now, is just
silence.
10:21 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Meeting Sem Dearest was the best thing I ever did today. :)
Well, went down to Innova JC to pick her up but apparently, the cabbie doesn't know where the fuck it was and was griping about me not knowing my venues well. Shitass. And he was in utter disbelief when I pointed out that the building that was still under renovation was Innova JC. He doubted that I could actually enter the school. asswipe. ANYWAY. The school's huge. Quite nice, but the weather there is a killer. Especially when you have to walk all the way to woodlands MRT station in that scorching sun. I swear it felt like Sahara. Haha. Exaggeration but what the heck.
Sem complained that I was exceptionally talkative today. Someone's gotta do the talking anyway. hehe. So we headed to town and grabbed tickets for Guess Who? at Lido, my treat, when we bumped into Freda and Larine, my ever beloved classmates. And guess what they were doing??? MUGGING. I was hell guilty after that, but the guilt faded off pretty quickly. Heh. Went to catch an early dinner at Far East. Chicken Rice, Sem's treat. (: Guess Who? was a good catch. Made me laugh like a clown and teared. Heh.
Went window shopping after the show. There are so many things I want to buy now. Any kind soul would like to sponsor?? Heehee. I wanna get...
- A huge green school bag. (understatement. Seriously) 90buckaroos.
- Navy blue jacket. 50buckaroos.
- Purple tee. 35buckaroos.
Okay, so it's not that many afterall. But enough to burn a hole in my small pocket. Anyway, I realised Fredadada stays REALLY near me. okay, I'm exaggerating again. But her home is of walking distance from my place I think. I can cycle to her place everyday and disturb her from now onwards. Hehehe. and we can sneak out at night to go for supper and all that nonsense. Wanyi used to share all that rubbish exhilaration with me, but she MOVED. :( Well, now Freda's gonna be my going home busmate!! That's if i go home after school la. hehe. This is gonna be a helluva fun! I'm so excited! Hahah. :D
Wogayy. I've a geog test tmr and my brain's highly exhausted. Reason behind that is absofuckinglutely... Bad. I'm gonna set a new rule for myself during weekdays (excluding Fridays). No intoxicants on weekdays. Nah uh.
Anyway!
I love Sem.
A lot a lot a lot. :)
10:22 PM
oh my gawd, you wouldn't believe this BUT..
I almost stepped outta my house with nothing but my sports bra and pants on.
HAHAHA.
Imagine if the commotion if I didn't realise it in time.
Thank goodness I realised it was unusually cooler than it should be.
And I came back just to blog about this.
Now, my sweetheart Sem is gonna kill me for being late.
Oops. (:
3:05 PM
I've been watching your world from afarI've been trying to be where you areAnd I've been secretly falling apartUnseenTo me, you're strange and you're beautifulYou'd be so perfect with meBut you just can't seeYou turn every head but you don't see me I'll put a spell on youYou'll fall asleepWhen I put a spell on youAnd when I wake youI'll be the first thing you seeAnd you'll realize that you love me
2:53 PM
1. What time is it: 12.20am
2. Name: belle (not divulging my full name) :3. Birthday: 160988
4. Hair colour: mahogany. black faded off. heh.
5. Body Piercing: ears, 6.
7. Eye color: dark brown.
8. Favorite TV Show: The OC.
9. Birthplace: Mt Alvernia, Singapore.
10. Current Residence: Countryside, Singapore.
10. Favourite food: Dark Chocolates. :D
11. Schools you've attended: St Margs Pri, St margs Sec, Ghim Moh Sec, Cjc. (:
12. Have any crushes currently? Well.. yes. hehe.
13. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes. As of recently. :14. Are you in love now? Getting over it.
15. Been in a car accident? I can't remember.
16. Croutons or bacon bits? BACON! love! :D
17. Favorite day of the week: Friday
18. Favorite word or phrase: Sian Diao! (Joyce!! hahaha)
19. Favorite Restaurant: With Sem, It's nooch. With Tricia, it's Coffee Club. With the twits, it's everywhere. With Cheryl, it's the bubble tea shop at bishan. Wahahaha. :)
20. Favorite flower: Golden roses.
21. Favorite sport to play? Basketball. However bengish that sounds. Haha!
22. Favorite sport to watch? Soccer, definitely. :D
23. Favorite drink: green tea, honey red tea, grape, sprite.
24. Favorite Ice cream: Phish Food!! And Green tea icecream! :D
25. Favorite fast food restaurant? Long Johns. I'm a Cine Kid.
26. What color is your bedroom carpet: Boh Carpet la.
27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Paragon.
28. What do you do most often when you are bored: eat, tv, sleep, online, sms.
29. Bedtime: Usually 1 or 2am.
30. Last person you went out to dinner with: Cherral and Dawn. :)
31. Ford or Chevy: It's gotta be Ford.
32. Do you have an alias/a.k.a? what is it? belly welly, bello, bella ding dong. :33. What movie/s are you waiting for? Mr and Mrs Smith.
34. If you wanted to be in a band, what genre would you want to play? rock metal
35. Smoke/d? hmm.. yes. (Don't tell mummy ah.)
36. do you want to live with your parents forever or move out? Can I just live with mom?
37. Where is the place you want to be right now? where my heart is. :38. What songs do you listen to to feel happy? Indubitably, worship. :)
39. In The Lord of the Rings, who are your favorite characters? The walking trees. wahaha.
40. In Star wars, who is your favorite character? Don't like star wars.
41. What movie/s made you cry? Lilo & Stitch. Shut up ar, all of you. A lot more actually. I'm sentimental.
42. Name famous people that you have a crush on: Chad Michael Murray, he's my hubby actually. :D
43. Which cartoon character is your favorite? Stitch!!
44. Favourite Cartoon/s? Lilo & Stitch, Hey Arnold!
45 .Paper or Plastic? Paper.
46. If you could freely kill just one celebrity, who would it be? None, they're cart's pasttime. haha!
47. Coke or Pepsi? They taste the same to me.
48. In a week, how many times do you go online? almost everyday.
49. If you could be someone else for a whole day, who would it be? Sem.
50. Single or married? Single.
51. Describe yourself in one word? Idiosyncratic.
52. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? check for smses.
53. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? read msges.
54. Something about you that you're proud of: love my hair. :)
55. What's your mobile number? I've 2 lines, 2 phones. which? haha! Yes I'm showing off. :b
56. Are you happy? I wish.
57. Why? Secret. hurhur.
58. What is the most important material object you possess? Pipi! =x To all those that know, please shut up. :59. horoscope? Virgo.
60. have you ever been hurt? who hasn't?
61. what would you turn suicidal for? if my mom dies.
62.country or classic? classic
63. handsome/ugly or smart/stupid? smart, but not too smart.
64. good friend from opposite gender? yeappers.
65. what do you do when you're depressed? write poems
66. cheerful or boring? dependant on mood.
67. one word that describes current state of mind: sian diao.
68. do you believe in yourself? rarely.
69. ever hurt yourself? Check out my left arm. :70. motto in life? everything happens for a reason.
71. have you doubted that? not exactly, I just forget. Heh.
72. have you ever liked a friend more than you should: haha yes.
73. what would you do about it? errr. i don't know.
74. fame&money? I don't need them.
75. do you do anything when you sleep? Dream.
76. is it hard to wake up? EXTREMELY.
77. how often do you sleep? whenever I can.
78. what time is it? 1 am. Exactly.
12:20 AM
Monday, April 18, 2005
I'm quite hairpee today.
And I think it's mainly because
you talked to me. (:
11:20 PM
I wanna quit school.
Seriously.
11:14 PM
And so, I skipped my Lit Test today. Apparently, it requires me to write 4 pages on a poem. Belle's gonna flunk? you bet. Just
maybe I'll pass geog,
maybe I'll pass econs. But I know definitely I'll fail lit. I write poems, analyzing is a disparatial thing altogether. Ohwell.
Went down to CCAB for the first time to watch the volleyball match. Wanyi and I got a little lost though. (highly embarrassing I know) So by the time we arrived and found the volleyball courts, the match was almost over. Well, CJ might have lost the overall match, but I think the players deserve some good credit for all the hard work and effort they've placed into training for every single one of their matches, no? I honestly think they've done themselves a good job despite mistakes and whichever else. (:
And I intentionally dropped wanyi's phone on the track today, while walking to the bus stop. Heh. She asked me to keep my hands off her phone what. Not my fault. :\ Haha, SORRY la wanyi. hehe. And thanks for accompanying me to watch the volley matches. I know you're a great friend la. :D BUT. this woman abandoned me at the busstop and I had no clue how to get home from there. So smart la. So I just took a bus back to St Margs, cross the road, and waited for 855. Something which I haven't done in eons. I miss the polka dots, really. Ohwell.
Geog test postponed till Wednesday. Praise the Lord. Timetable changed though. Supposed to meet Sem tmr, and I still hope I'd be able to. Or else I'll just murder the CJ system. I'm deprived of Best Friend Time here, can't anybody tell?
Honestly, I don't know if I'm ready. Perhaps it's easy for you, but it's damn hell difficult for me. I'm sitting on the horns of a dilemma again. I'm stuck, lost, and tired of keeping up the charade. But breakdown, I won't. Not in front of you.
10:32 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
I've been having a series of dreams that has a similar ending to it. And this ending, I've no idea how to decipher it.
The dream would first start off with an outing with my family, and somehow along the way, something would majorly screw up. And I would be held culpable even if it wasn't my fault to begin with. Well, if you really knew me, my temper ain't exactly the prettiest of sights when placed into action. In fact, it's
nasty. But even so, I blew up. Going absofuckinglutely berserk with profanities hurled about all over and was completely exasperated at the farcicality of it all. And after the entire episode of my madness is over, my uncle would come up to me, smile, and say..
"1 73, 2 73, 3 73, 4 73, 5 73, 6 73, 7 73..."
It would go on until I stretched out my hand. And he'd open up his palm, revealing a handful of small circular blue mints. Then, he'd take two of which and pop it into his mouth, pouring the rest of it (it's quite a lot) into my palm, watch me pop all of them in, smile, and walk away.
Somehow, it comforted me a lot, subsiding every ounce of angst I held within me. In fact, each time he did that, I'd tear. Because I was touched. I don't know why, but I was.
For the entire week, this recurring dream have caused me to wake up in tears, and in befuddlement. I'm left clueless at what it really means. Hmmm. Anyone knows how to read dreams?
11:12 AM
I'm keeping these in prayer..
-
Family-
Sem's recovery from her ailment.
-
Andrea's,
Cart's, and
Emily's well-being in Aussie.
-
Wanyi's,
Joyce's,
Jolene's struggle with school work.
-
Rachel's problem with her bitchy aunt.
-
Cheryl's.. nothing actually. Hah.
-
Dawn's,
Jen's,
Sasa's upcoming Chinese Prelims.
-
Sophie's volleyball match against SA.
-
Claudio's campaign for a place in SC.
-
Her happiness..
As for myself..
to pass my upcoming tests, and emotional healing.
1:15 AM
Oh my gosh.
I got slapped today by Lee Wanyi
just because I said I miss
her. :It's for my own good, I know.
But I can't believe she slapped me.
Seriously.
Stupid beaver.
Hahaha. She's so gonna skin me when she reads my blog.
And I think many cjcians think both of us are together.
Hoho. Belle's attached. (:
1:06 AM
Saturday, April 16, 2005
don't make me cry anymore.
please.
12:55 AM
Break my legs, let me fall.
Shackle my neck, restrict my view.
Entwine my arms, lock me up.
Remove my lungs, my mind.
Stop me from thinking of you.
It's nights like these when a part of me withers away.
Nobody knows, because all that's left is my facade.
12:38 AM
Thursday, April 14, 2005
I made friends with my ex-eyecandy yesterday! Quite surprising, but she talked to me. And you know what, she's really nice. Heh. I think I'm really fortunate to have known and talked to most of my eyecandies in school. Cool stuff? I bet Chang's really envious. muahaha.
And yesterday, D was at the same busstop as me after I left school at 730, cause Lee Wanyi forbidded me to go to town. I shouldn't have anyway. So, I pretended as if she wasn't there, and of course, she did likewise. It was only till after I boarded that I took a glance at her, and I found her looking at me too! wahahah. that made my night. Okay belle should just shut up, I know I know. I just pray that she doesnt know of my blog. If she does, I'd be so embarrassed, I'd just dissipate into the environs everytime she's around. Heh.
Oh, and Wanyi claims that there's a slight resemblance of Emily in Sophie. I don't really see it though. Only that they're both tanned and sporty, and both look good in uniform and even better in fbt shorts and teeshirt. And both are hyper. Hmmm.
I miss Emmo. :(Well, left school halfway today due to my lack of concentration cause something cropped up. So I went home and slept it off, from 1130 all the way till 540. Great, was late for dental again. My dentist says I'd be able to remove my braces soon! I'm damn happy la! Come everyone, rejoice with me! heehee. I'd be able to smile showing my teeth from then on. Chang accompanied me for awhile. Was really glad to have met her. I'm still wishing she'd come to CJ somehow, although it's highly impossible. It'd be so much better with her around. Plus, she'd be in the Arts Faculty with me. Ohwell. At least I've nice classmates. (:
And there's this one person I've been wanting to date for a long time alr. But then again, I don't think I should. Ahhh, shucks. We'll see how it goes.
11:16 PM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
You did mean a hell lot to me.
In fact, you were the biggest part of my life for the past few months.
You knew that you were above everything else in my world.
You knew that you were my priority.
I don't know if you knew how much you truly meant to me,
but I hope you knew it was to an exceedingly large extent.
And altho claimed we had a special friendship,
you don't seem to be putting in much effort in salvaging it.
The least I had expected you to do was to drop me a msg,
but my anticipation was only replied with disappointment.
I honestly think that the thing that's special between us,
is just my one-sided anticipated reciprocation.
Yea, I was that much of a dimwit to think that you'd msg.
And a bigger buffoon I am to even harbour the thought
of getting him to take good care of you in the best way possible,
to let you relish in nothing but pure exuberance and bliss.
I can't believe I wanted to tell him everything I learnt about you
so that everything would be smooth-sailing for you both.
But I rejected that thought, cause he'll know you the way I did eventually.
At least I hope he would, and he'd take absolute good care of you.
I still remember when your sisters left, I promised I'd be there for you everyday.
And so timely, now that she's back, you've found someone else.
Yea, I'm over and done here.
And since you wanna let this friendship disintegrate, it's fine by me.
Best wishes to the both of you.
10:12 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
You fill up my sensesLike a night in the forestLike the mountains in springtimeLike a walk in the rainLike a storm in the desertLike a sleepy blue oceanYou fill up my sensesCome fill me againCome let me love youLet me give my life to youLet me drown in your laughterLet me die in your armsLet me lay down beside youLet me always be with youCome let me love youCome love me again
12:01 AM
Monday, April 11, 2005
Although I've been wallowing in depths of misery, I'm really thankful for every single one of my friends who have been there for me lately. I truly appreciate everything that each one of you did to cheer me up. (:
And today, I attended school with the knowledge that things weren't gonna be smooth-sailing. Yet, I received two surprises from two people I've met in CJ. Karina and Marianne.
Although
Karina's in SA now, she got Nicholas to pass me the gift in school. That really caught me by surprise. Honestly, I was really touched. Thank you dear, really. It seriously made my day. I was drowning myself in all those nasty thoughts again, when your gift appeared. You really rescued me, even if you ain't here with me physically. Thank you so much. (:
And
Marianne! Thank you for your green stars and postcard, and even more, for listening to all my troubles and the extent of its crappiness. Your msges of encouragements never fail to warm my heart at each correct precise moment. Thank you so much. You've been such a dear, really. And we've only known each other for less than a month. I really appreciate you. (:
Well, I went to town today after school and met Henry. Thank you also, for coming down to accompany me. You know I'd probably die if I went home early. My thoughts would so maliciously engulf me. Met up with Wanyi and WeiCong for dinner too. And afterwhich, I met Jolene to take a train back with her. She gave me a lollipop!! I received 3 presents today! I'm loved! Although not by
her, but it doesn't matter anymore. Well, meeting Jolene somehow did cheer me up. Not only because she told me stuff that comforted me a little, but I enjoyed her company although it was a mere 15mins. And although the inferiority of standing next to her can undeniably kill, her presence and company just overrides all that. She's awesome to be with. Seriously. (:
And belle's going to shower now.
Please pray that my right wrist recovers before Wednesday.
I can't possibly play bball in that kinda condition.
Hope it doesn't affect my chances of being selected. :
10:46 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Rach: hello rachie dear. First of all, don't have to thank me about sat night. It's the presence of all of us that made that night such fun. I think we should all seriously get together more often, no? And
I'm sorry if I've neglected you in any way after JC has started and all. Truly am. But now I've much more time for you! Shall share my love, time and whatever else of me with you okay?? Hahah. I'm over her already la. Quite. Heh, you know which her i'm referring to. Realised she doesnt appreciate all that I've done for her and I don't matter to her, so forget it then. But still, doubt I'd call that a waste of money, time, love, and whichever else. because (at least I really do hope) I made her happy with all that I've given to her. Even if that happiness was merely ephemeral. Sui bian la. Don't really bother anymore. ANYWAY, it's true that people do move on with their lives as so do I. But you can be assured that as I move on with my life, you are one person I'm never gonna leave behind. And although I may have met new friends along the way, gotten busier with school and all that whatnots, you know that all these will never be able to replace you, my dear girl. I never told you this, but whenever we meet up with you, I'm really really happy because I missed you a lot. You la, forever with matthieu and then never come and meet us, as if you've eloped with him or something. haha. But I'm really glad we've been hanging out more often now. (: And I promise you, despite how busy I am or whatever it may be, I'll always have time for you. Cross my heart! Because I love you too. (:
11:13 PM
Now that you've found your somebody else, you're completely chucking me aside as if I'm really just a used toy that you played with to keep you preoccupied for the past 3 months. This blatantly shows how much you actually appreciated whatever I've done for you, and also how much I truly mattered to you. You don't even give two hoots about me. All the talk about a very special friendship.. So much for friendship indeed. To think that I bothered so much about you, tried to give you the best that I could, and showered you with every ounce of care and concern I could possibly give. And the poems that I've been writing for you? I can rip them all apart now. Or maybe I should just blame and smack myself for not knowing better or that things would turn out this way between the both of us. It's always my fault anyway, right?
And maybe, my words will stir up angst or might even hurt you. But you can be assured, it's nothing compared to the hurt you've struck me with.
You know, Thank you very much for making such good use of me.
Now I know how much I'm worth.
Worthless.
9:52 PM
You make it seem as if meeting me is a last resort, since your friends are not available to meet you. Like as if you have no choice that's why you chose to meet me, or else, you'd rather not. You make me seem as if I'm desperate for you or something. At least that's the impression you're giving me, and perhaps, also the impression that you're possibly etching in the minds of others. And you know what, I'm not some toy of yours whereby you can wind me and I'll be your source of entertainment. I'm not from any toystore. To think I truly enjoyed your company, but you were just making use of mine.
And you know what,
It fucking hell hurts.
Thank you.
12:59 PM
Does anyone have any intentions of selling their ipod minis?Or know of anyone who wants to sell theirs?I'm looking for the green ipod mini.Please let me know, yes?Thank you all!You'll be doing me a huge favour. (:
2:07 AM
I've been contemplating over the past few days if I should withdraw from CJ and apply to enter Poly instead. Well, my initial reason of doing so is horrifically silly, I know. I've been lectured by many for that. But coming to think of it, maybe I ain't cut out for As. I don't know if I can devote myself into studying so assiduously. It's madness, really. What do you all think? It's not too late to withdraw, aint it? sigh.
Or maybe, I just want a long break from everything.
I want to get out of Singapore.
Seriously.
2:01 AM
So everyone has just left my place after the sumptuous korean bbq, the intense badminton matches whereby my brother thrashed every single one of us, the hogging of the laptop to play Animaniacs, and the settling of certain issues.
It's back to being alone again.
Not good, but it's not an option.
Well, caught House Of Fury with Cherry, Wan Wan, Cart and Dor. Really thankful we caught that, because it's what I need right now. A good hearty laugh.
And I'm going to head out to study later! Not exactly sure with who though. Have tonsa tutorials to complete. I swear the teachers in CJ are a little too insane. Well, it's good in a sense. Helps occupy my brain space now that a major portion of it has just left me. If you get my drift. I'm just gonna bombard myself with tonsa activities as a replacement. Please help me along, yes?! Please start your bookings now. Thank you all in advance. :D
1:40 AM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I've been so caught up with my life lately that I've neglected the people that I dearly care for. In fact, I'm culpable for taking them for granted. And for that, I deeply apologise. I have been entrapped in my own world of complications that has been sucking away every ounce of my energy and time, I hardly get down to the things that I've been thinking of doing anymore. And that one thing that I've invested all my time and effort to, didn't reap much success. Maybe even considered none. Great? Yeah, absolutely. :|
I miss Andrea very much.I've no idea why, but we barely converse online anymore.Or maybe it's just me, being too preoccupied with someone else.Despite missing her, and I know I want to, but I never really got down to dropping her a msg as often. Too immersed in my puddles and rocks in life. I'm really sorry, dear. especially if I haven't been there for you.And I think I've been too self-centred,
only bothering about myself for the past few months.
For that, to everyone, I apologise.
2:06 AM
Honestly, I like her. (:
1:02 AM
Friday, April 08, 2005
I've so many thoughts running through my head.
So many thoughts that I wanna get it out
but each time I do, everything just dissipates into nothingness.
I've been thinking so much today,
that it has completely drained out every angst in me.
I'm left with nothing but sheer despondency.
Today's the first time we didn't exchange msges at all.
You probably didn't know that.
You didn't even know that I didn't attend school.
Sometimes I've no clue why I bother so much
when you barely give two hoots about me.
And you know what? I wouldn't say anything further.
Because I know it'll hurt, but definitely not as much as it's hurting me.
And to those who has been there for me,
Thank you very much for the encouragement and all.
You know who you are.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Thanks. (:
11:43 PM
we agreed that it was over
now the lines have all been drawn
the vows we made began to fade
but now they're gone
put your pictures in a showbox
and my gold ring in the drawer
i'm not supposed to love you anymorenow sherry says she's jealous
of this freedom that i found
she would be-she would be out of the town
and she says she cant imagine
what on earth i'm waiting for
i'm not supposed to love you anymorechorus:
oh i shouldn't care and wonder
where and how you are
but i can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart
i'm fightin back emotions that i've never fought before
cause i'm not supposed to love you anymore
now i'm writing you this letter
and its killing me tonight
that i agreed when you believed
it wasn't right
and i couldn't sleep upon the bed
so i'm down here on the floor
when i'm not supposed to love you anymorechorusi'm fightin back emotions that i've never fought before
cause i'm not supposed to love you anymore
6:14 PM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I did my eyebrows today!
For the very first time.
Cart and the rest says its much nicer,
but I honestly can't tell the difference. :|
Gonna meet karina for baker's inn tmr!
Miss that little idiot
a lot.
And did I mention I wanna shoot down
every single guy good looking guy in CJ??
with my friends as exceptions, indubitably. :|
Belle's in a rather irascible mood now.
sighh.
I abhor sitting on the horns of a dilemma.
This feeling absolutely bites.
Who will save me?
10:52 PM
Monday, April 04, 2005
Am currently on the phone.
But guess what,
the conversation is silent.
Tricia's sleeping. :|
And i'm gonna shower while she does.
Heh.
Today, I felt the sting of jealousy again.
11:03 PM
There's this particular someone whom I kept thinking about today. I missed her actually. I've only hung out with her a couple of times, but I do like her very much.. as a friend. And I'm slowly starting to unearth the essence of her bona fide beauty. She's indubitably lovable, really. Also, magnificently beautiful just being herself. And somehow, although I barely know her, I find that I am genuinely concerned about her. Peculiar? I couldn't agree more.
Friendships indeed do come in many different forms. I've just discovered a new breed of them. (:
12:18 AM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Have you ever met and loved someone till the extent that
you would willingly look after and take meticulous care of
even if it requires to to sacrifice everything that you ever had
just to ensure that person's well being, for the rest of your life?
And even if the love's not reciprocated at all,
if ever given the opportunity to,
you still would?
Because I know I would,
just for you.
If ever the day should come, you love me back too.
I'll create an earthly paradise, just for me and you.
10:28 PM
So beautiful, you are.
May I kiss you there?
I'm so in love with you.
I can't breathe.
I can never get enough.
Do you feel my love?
Please love me back.
1:26 PM
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Sometimes life makes you ponder about
the different paths you chose.
Whether is it the right or wrong choice you made.
I believe every path holds its own set of barricades of regrets,
and also, not to forget, a colourful box of memories.
And sometimes,
we should just be gratuitious for all that happened.
Because at the end of every path chosen,
lies one of life's lessons.
And this lesson with you, I'll never forget. I'm letting you go..
12:29 AM
Friday, April 01, 2005
Just got back home from bball training.
My first training, and I'm injured.
Belle's a klutz, I know.
Wanted to stay on longer for the vball match,
but I had to scram.
Hopefully CJ trashed PJ.
CJ rocks! Love the school. :D
Wore my CJ uniform for the first time.
Felt awfully weird, but cool.
Haha. Skirt's got spasm tho.
And something to rejoice about..
My teachers are way better than first 3months.
Amen! :D
Okay, I'm gonna go get changed.
Darren's waiting.
I talked to
her today. :)
6:01 PM
